As a mother of four, I have had my share of run ins with “stubborn.” Most often, the term is used in a negative light as parents or caretakers describe someone they are just trying to help/teach. But I have learned something as a social worker in a middle school - Stubborn is a gift worth using. As with all gifts, there are misuses, to be sure. But our kids need this tool in their toolbox, and they need to hear this message: Stubbornness, when used correctly, is an important gift.

We humans, by nature, cling to comfort and control. In an effort to resist growth or productive discomfort, we often misuse stubbornness.

But there is a healthy purpose for this misunderstood gift. In preparation for tackling a challenging task or battle, we arm ourselves with the proper equipment. Stubbornness belongs in this category. There are situations that call for us to arm ourselves with stubbornness.

My hope is for adults to teach our kids to recognize when to pull this skill out of their personal toolkit. We all have a “switch” we can flip - I call it the “stubborn switch.” We need to know when and how to flip the switch. And our kids need guidance with this tool.

Haters, Pressure to Blend In, Cultural Expectation, Insecurity, Fear, Predators...  These, and more, darts are coming at our kids; and they are vulnerable. Many adults, including myself, are guilty of spreading the poor advice of: “ignore it and it will go away.” To ignore isn’t a good enough defense against the dangerous attacks that assault their minds, hearts, thought life, and emotional well-being. We need to arm them with a better defense. I view stubbornness as a defensive tool: a shield to protect our vulnerability. And I call it wise to protect yourself from things that would sap your energy, strength, or self worth.

“Ignoring” leaves us vulnerable. The lies and hurtful barbs dig in and stick to us, plaguing our thoughts as we lay our heads down to rest.

If we decide to take up a shield to defend ourselves, we are in a mindset of protecting what is precious (our hearts, minds, and energy.) We view these vulnerable parts of ourselves as worthy of defending, and we are more ready to make choices to protect them.

Notice I speak of stubbornness as a shield, a defensive tool, rather than a sword or offensive weapon. Stubbornness is misused when it becomes an offensive tool or means of attack. We are not our best selves when we are attacking others, nor is this a healthy posture for our identity or relationships. But a ready defense for our most vulnerable treasures is healthy.

Let’s take this arbitrary concept and give it legs. This is what flipping the stubborn switch or equipping stubborn as a shield looks like in real world examples...

Example 1:

A student comes to school every day knowing their “opp” (current middle school term for a hater) will target them with rude comments and digs. The student could dread school, shut down, and take the negative thoughts home with them. Or, they could return barb for barb and make it a goal to tear the other person down. Or, they could flip the stubborn switch, knowing they have better things to do with their energy and time.  They say to their “opp”: “No thanks,” or “I’ve got better things to do than worry about what you think,” or “not today” (shield statements.)

Then they use stubbornness with their energy: choosing to spend time with friends that are life giving, on goals that are worthy of their effort, and on hobbies that recharge their emotional batteries.

They can also use stubborn to choose what gets to stick to them and what doesn’t - this looks like stubborn self-care , purposefully shaking the negative “ick” out of their bodies with healthy physical activities, spending time in nature, and/or seeking trusted counsel.

I would applaud this student for being stubborn and conscious about how to protect their energy.

Example 2:

A young woman is being asked to date by a guy she isn’t interested in. She can be “nice” , say yes, and allow the guy to think she is interested when she’s not. Or, she could attack him and hurt his confidence by saying “ew.” Or she can choose to equip healthy stubbornness. By viewing her heart

(and his) as worthy of protecting she can wade through the honest, though awkward, conversation of telling him “thank you for asking, but I’m not interested.”

Example 3:

Social media posts/trends tell a person who they “should” be or how they “should” dress if they want to fit in. This person flips their stubborn switch, and chooses to believe they weren’t born to blend in. They choose to be genuine to their unique identity. They choose to surround themself with people who appreciate who they are rather than trying to impress the faceless horde of potential judgement. They press in to their purpose and worth by choosing their own goals and calling.

Example 4:

A friend is feeling like she’s always the one to put in all the effort, the other person makes negative comments sometimes, and has been grouchy toward her lately. The friend could take it, at least she has someone to sit with at lunch. Or, she could attack back or gather some other people to “her side.” Or, she can use stubbornness as a tool to help her decide she is worthy of friends who appreciate her, are respectful, and feel like a breath of fresh air to hang out with. She decides she would rather find another place to sit at lunch. If the other person asks why, she can explain she felt them growing apart.

Stubbornness is IMPORTANT!! Let’s teach our kids when, why, and how to use it.